My ruined life

I ruined my own life, I tried to overcome and be normal again. Here's story how it all started and ended.

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I was all normal till I was 15. I used to be with friends, play and have enjoyable days. But I don't wanted to be with some friends and I tried to avoid them. I used to hide in other room when they came and very seldom I went to them. From home to school and school to home, this was my regular activity. I became socially very passive and later this became my habit and eventually it developed a fear inside me. I was scared to go out alone and I used to feel very uncomfortable in crowd. Even I couldn''t receive calls in public. Doing many regular activies used to create anxiety and feel of fear inside me. When I was 19 I was diagnosed with a fear known as Agoraphobia. Which was the reason I couldn't be socially active. Even in social media, I couldn't post photos/videos. I was always in fear, what people will think and I wanted to be perfect in all terms. I knew "no one is perfect" but i couldn't convince myself to it. I used think alot and even after thinking I used to get scared. Later I was afraid of my own thoughts. I tried to overcome all these and tried to be with friends. But even there I was afraid of being left alone or neglected. Before going to any events or functions I used to think,"What if I will be left alone or neglected there?". Which created a fear inside me, A fear from being neglected. Known as Autophobia or Monophobia or Isolophobia. It was very hard to live such life where I can't hangout with friends, go out and even think something. I used to hate myself and my life. Most of time I used to be in computer or mobile because that's all I could do. I had no other options left. I became good at programming. I started creating websites and live all my life in it. But most of time I used to think and my fear of thinking used to give me many panic attacks, My heartbeat used to rise high and all my all my body used to shake. It was terrible experience and I had no one to share my thoughts with. I got depressed and survived many suicide attempts. After all these, only thing that made me happy was my family. They always supported and cared for me. One day I decided to end all these and wanted to become normal again. I searched on web, visited psychiatrist and tried to be with friends and went to clubs, parties. I used to go out at night because I couldn't walk in road while there were lots of people. At night when noone's there I used to walk by and slowly slowly tried to recover and live normal life. And still I am in the process to recover. It's very hard for me to publish this too. 

Please help me, if you have any suggestions, idea and want to tell me anything that can help me to get better please comment down or mail me at anishkhatri13@gmail.com

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